me time

Me time certainly hasn't been copious lately. Not really even existent to be truthful.

I have two weeks left of work for the year and I am holding on by a thread.

I carved some me time this past week.

Wednesday, I used a gift certificate my staff gave me and went for a pedicure. I haven't gone since September last year. I swear I am two feet shorter than I was before with all the dead skin. It was nice to visit with a friend while I went and just..........sit.

Friday night after visiting my dad for a couple hours I came home to find DS1 cleaning. Like deep root drawer by drawer cleaning. It made mama so happy. He brought a lot of stuff home from college and before he tried putting it away he went drawer by drawer and made serious toss, recycle and keep piles. There is so much room in his room now, in his closet and in his storage cupboard downstairs. It was pretty exciting.

We celebrated by using money from my entertainment jar, ordering pizza and making a salad to go with it. It made me want to be off work to keep cleaning and tossing and sorting at home.

That evening we sat around our first fire in the backyard. So good having all three kids there with us, just talking...about the past...about the future in Europe and just.......being.

It definitely was rejuvenating and so necessary.

We made supper at dad's last night so he had food cooked in his own house and company to go with it. Tonight we are taking him out to the lake to my sister's campsite for a Father's Day supper.

With all the stress of mom's illness and passing, dad's health and Sister 1 and 3s variety pack of meltdowns about mom and the funeral and ............stuff...........I have to work extra hard to find peace of mind.

I am still not sleeping, and my colitis is a hot mess.

But I will take the me time I am giving myself.

And so

Mom passed away last week. The funeral was yesterday.

She fought super hard but the melanoma just spread everywhere.

We had her for a week in the city getting radiation on her hip and tailbone. That relieved some pain but a CT scan there said she had dozens of cancer lesions in the brain.

After she came back to the hospital here she never quite bounced back. Some moments of lucidity and memory sharing. Other moments of incredible confusion and fear and tears. We went from a family meeting of several weeks to go to ....gone, three days later.

We sang her out with the guitar  and songs from our campfire.

The funeral planning shouldn't have been hard. Mom had spelled it all out quite clearly with me in Feb. But 2 of the sisters struggled and it became incredibly stressful as they tried to take over mom's wishes.

I made sure the service was exactly how she wanted it with enough of sister opinion to ease the waters. I think.

I went back to work today. Incredibly tired and SO far behind on marking, with only a few weeks of teaching to go.

My grief hasn't been profound now. That concerns me a little. Is the wall coming? Or were all those moments of tears and depression over the past 6 months my grief and now I am just going to have to try to 'get used' to her  not being here?

My time still isn't my own. Instead of long hospital vigils with mom, it has transferred to time spent at dad's cleaning and cooking and talking. His health isn't great so it may truly be just a matter of time before I do this again.

2018 has been exhausting.

First week back

was EXHAUSTING

It's always tough going back to work after the break. Tougher when you are trying to get kids back into a routine after so long without. Tougher yet when you have kids you know have dicey home lives and it takes a few days to get them to trust again.

Along with work mom had four trips into the city that included one radiation mask prep, three sessions of radiation, one liver biopsy and two meetings with oncologists.

Keeping those trips and their drivers organized as well as taking care of dad and making sure he eats and is taking care of his health issues...well that wears a girl out.

Along with that I did some baking, a run to the recycling depot, a trip to the bank and watched some world junior hockey.

I made my first snowflake originated bonus payment on the LOC this week. $100 of my $1500 goal of bonus payments. The snowflakes came from lotto scratchers $10, recycled bottles $15, and $75 hoarded from my first week of jar money. It felt good to get that started.

The weekend seems full of a basket full of to dos but honestly I spent most of today in bed. I  ran out earlier to get the things mom needed at the drug store. I took my vehicle in for an oil change, and then I took dad as he wanted to go grocery shopping. But the rest....in bed either dozing or watching Netflix. I feel.. 'off'. Maybe the flu coming. Maybe just exhaustion and my brain needed to pause.

Hopefully I am more productive tomorrow with the to dos and getting some marking done at school.

5 day week ahead along with 2 nights of extra curricular with school teams.  Mom has two more radiation trips to the city as well as some sort of endoscopy that they are going to try to do here.

First trip to the Cancer Clinic

(this is purely about mom's cancer so please feel free to scroll on if it's not the topic for you. I understand)


In the dark of -40C temps, we drove in the early dark hours to the city to take mom to the Cancer Clinic. I had blankies for the back seat so they would be warm enough. Mom was sick to her stomach for quite a bit of the journey.

It was an overwhelming day. The people there are very good at what they do. We had our initial greeting and the nurse went over the clinic, basic info and gave us resources of who to contact.

Next was a visit to drug review where that nurse went over all the meds mom is currently on.

We headed next to phlebotomy and that nurse was very good at what she did.

Off next for a longer wait to see the oncologist. The nurse for this doctor was incredibly detail oriented and worked hard to read mom's body language as she answered questions.

The oncologist was also very good, but less people oriented. Her sole focus was mom and she seemed annoyed my sister and I were in the room and gave dark looks anytime we spoke. If she's good for mom, I can get over that.  The results of the  tests are Stage 4 cancer. We are waiting for the results of the biopsy from the 20th to determine the proper course of treatment, if any. These tests have to be sent out of province and should be back about the  9th ish.

We were  sent next to the radiologist for oncology. He was incredibly good with mom, with explaining things and with my sister and I. His focus was to treat the cancer in the eye. He repeated a few times that he can't cure her, but he can improve the quality of her life if the tumor behind her eye responds to the radiation. Mom agreed to this treatment.

Next we were off to the main part of the hospital for an xray of mom's hip, to find out what is bothering it, and if it's cancer. They were incredibly quick and efficient.

Back we went to the Clinic (the buildings are attached). The first meeting in radiation is to create a mask/form that will hold mom's head and neck in the same position each time. We were unable to do this as mom has a deep cough and wouldn't be able to hold still for the 20 min it takes to create this.

So off we headed home. All of us exhausted. Mom was so tired and needed her bed badly. She didn't cry once throughout this today, so I had to step away to do my own tears.

We left them in the hands of another sister and I came home to crash. I doubt I will be awake much longer. I haven't slept properly in days.

Merry Christmas

There were some familiar elements to Christmas along with a few new ones.

We woke up to a quiet house this Christmas morning.

DS1 had left at 2 AM to head into the city to the airport. His flight was supposed to leave at 6 AM but his flight was delayed an hour due to extreme cold temps. He had a huge layover in Minneapolis anyways so we weren't concerned. He got to his home city about 5 PM and was exhausted and tired. One of the local moms invited him over for a Christmas supper, but I am not sure if he went.

DS2 got home from driving DS1 to the city, about 5:30 AM. He slept until 4 PM and stayed home instead of joining us for supper.

The GF was up and left to go home to her family about 8 AM. I was glad to get a text from her mom when she got home safely in this weather.

So really it was  a quiet morning of DH, the cat and myself, sitting watching TV. The little tree lights were on but the presents were gone as we opened them yesterday. A little coffee with baileys and some CSI reruns started my day.

DH and I went over to my parents' house and we had our usual Christmas brunch with them. It was different this year. Just the four of us. DH and I cooking it all. Mom is so weak and dad isnt' far behind. We managed to get them both to eat something so that was good. DH and I cleaned up and they both went to have naps.

Back at home I cleaned and did laundry. The basement looks normal again now that DS1 has gone. I took time honoured pleasure in beginning my annual Christmas break of going through drawers and tidying and sorting.

My oldest sister was hosting turkey here for those here in town. We went over and helped them get ready and I visited with my 3 great nieces. Ok one is a little standoffish, but she LOVES DS1's gf so that gives me some street cred.

We went and picked up mom and dad and brought them over for a little while. They both ate again so that was wonderful.

I got a moment alone with niece in law #1 and mouthed "is niece in law #2 expecting??"  The look of surprise on her face was something. My sister doesn't even know yet and it's very very early. She asked how I knew.... DS1 had noticed at supper on the 23rd that something felt dif about her. Good eye :-)   Hopefully she will tell my mom if things go south faster than she is prepared to tell everyone.

It was an early night as we took mom and dad home and got them settled for the night.

I am beyond exhausted and it will be early bed for me.

Everything today screamed 'THE LAST..."  I am grateful to HAVE 'the last' moments as I know many people do not, but it's hard as well.

Christmas Eve

I am all about appreciating the little moments these days. Even the tiniest of little moments.

Today was going to be 'our Christmas'.

DH and I headed over to my parents and I made them breakfast. They both look absolutely awful and exhausted and I do not know how much longer my dad has either to be honest. Taking care of them is all I can do at this point.

Then DH and I braved the crowds at Walmart to go pick up the dog food they need for their dog. I am always amazed by people who are in the store during a time like this and get upset about the crowds. It kind of goes with the 'day before Christmas' idea. We went prepared and it was a lot less stressful, knowing it would be a zoo.

We got home to our house and all of the kids were there. It was wonderful to spend some relaxing time with them opening gifts. My kids finally heard me when I answered the 'what do you want for Christmas' question. DS1 and GF got me a gorgeous picture of the two of them from when they were in Banff last summer. DS1 and DS2 got me a wonderful picture of the two of them when we were down in the US. I was a happy mama.

Apparently I don't need to buy DS1 anything. His favourite part of Christmas was taking the ribbon that wrapped a wonderfully soft blanket I was given. He played with the cat with that for a long time. Both kids were given camping type options. DS1 got two sturdy Coleman chairs and a queen air mattress. DS2 got  a camping French press and a lifestraw water purifier for his river trips.

They went off for brunch with friends and I had fun vacuuming and cleaning the living room. Now it's just the tiny tree and the décor around it.

One of my nephews sent over $ to buy Chinese for my parents. The five of us went over and picked up Chinese and spent supper over at my parents. Dad ate a bit of soup and mom had a wee bit but neither of them ate like they should.

I left before the rest of them did. I couldn't watch my mom saying goodbye to DS1 for what is likely to be the last time. I would have been a hot mess.

The rest of the evening was spent in comfortable family time watching Harry Potter. At 2 AM, DS2 is taking DS1 into the city to go catch his flight (3 hour round trip). And with that, the holiday is kind of over.

It's bitter cold out tonight. -30C plus a wind chill. Glad I am not the one out driving on the highway, but I won't rest until DS2 is home.

my mom's happy place

Long before all this C news came about, my mom had been planning an appetizer meal on the 23rd. It was mostly for DS1 as he flies out Xmas morning, but it was also a chance for family to gather at Mom and Dad's if they had other plans for Christmas Day.

This year was absolutely bittersweet as it is pretty certain this will be mom's last family dinner she hosts.

We went to the oncologist surgeon in the City last on the 20th. They wanted to admit her to get some testing done. Mom was not happy about that as she might have missed her party. We had convinced her that it was the right thing to do though as tests were expedited when you are an inpatient rather than an outpatient.

The oncologist was extremely accommodating and squeezed in a biopsy and a second CT all in one afternoon so that she could go home.

The news continues to get worse. Final stage melanoma in her shoulder, lymph nodes and her eye.

It was a tough journey home and after we left mom and dad there were a lot of tears between them. I don't know that my dad will last very long either. His health is so poor.

So tonight we had the party. She used up all her energy directing how she wanted things laid out and cut up. We had wings and dry ribs, sweet and sour meatballs, deer sausage, taco salad, all kinds of veggies and dips and cheeseballs. In the immediate family, there were 26 of us. 5 others ( a cousin, 2 of my dad's sisters, his brother and wife)  joined us as well. We even had a four week old Akita, the newest addition to my nephew's family.

Mom wanted lots of pictures, even though they hurt her eye. At the end, everyone left and I cleaned up the house and put it back to rights and we left. Mom always joked that the second prettiest lights at Christmas were on the tree and the prettiest lights were the tail lights when everyone finally left :-)

We shall see how things go tomorrow and in the days to come. There were lots of closed door quick cries and then party faces put back on.

I am glad she got her party.

A bit of an update

Mom's news was escalated last Thursday with C in both her lungs, her liver and her spleen. She had a couple very bad days. Weak. hard to breathe. couldn't keep anything down. We go see an oncologist tomorrow.

I am off work for the remainder of this week. The stress of it all has taken my colitis into flare. It is giving me the gift of time to be there for them....cooking, cleaning, talking.... organizing. All those sorts of things. It is most appreciated. I work hard on keeping it together at the house and just taking breaths to go out to the garage to let the emotions flow.

I have had all 3 of my children (the boys and the gf) in my house for 4 days now. What a rare gift. Usually one or the other is gone. It gives DS2 a chance to get to know the gf more. He even went out and bought her a present for Christmas.

DS2 is still waiting to hear about a job doing power lines with the company his friend works with. He would be on the road 10 days ish and then home again for a few. He may opt to move out of our house and in with a friend. We shall take that one step at a time.

DS1 got to see a lot of his hockey buddies at 2 games over the weekend but he's really been HERE a lot, which is unusual for him. I love it.

I am grateful I had brought and wrapped most of my presents back at the end of November. They have been under my little tree since then and it's been nice to enjoy it when I actually get to be here at home. The cat definitely loves sitting under it and on the presents.

We plan to have a pre- Christmas, Christmas supper at mom and dad's with appetizers as the focus. This will give DS1 a chance to have his family meal and see some family before he flies back on Christmas Day.

a big Day, but a good one.

Today was the big day. The big shopping day before Xmas.

DS1 comes home later this week. It's time to get everything ready so I can enjoy his short visit home.

I have my Xmas money saved thanks to those planned savings goals. I also have been tucking $5 here and $10 there into a jar for the big grocery shop.

I made DH come with me. Someone to lift the heavy stuff, and since he isn't contributing, he can experience first hand how much it costs.

We headed to Walmart and got the cleaning supplies, a few last minute treats and all the food. Me and my list had a heck of a good time.

At one point DH says 'so where is all this money coming from?'  I respond and say "when you tuck $5 here and $10 there into a jar  all year long, the money is  here. Starting tomorrow I begin again for next year'. He gives me this look that is half skepticism and half processing the concept of planned savings.

We did a quick stop at Shoppers (again planned ) and got the 18 500 optimum points for the spend. Another quick stop at the LB (liquor board store) for a little wine and baileys, and then home to unpack it all.

I hadn't fully organized my cupboards before I left (I had done the fridge), so there was a lot of that while putting things away.

Sister 2 came for a visit and said that she had been over to mom and dad's and mom had started to share who gets what when she is gone. Those sorts of things are very important to her and that is one of the few things she can control, so that's the talk they had. I got a notebook out and showed Sister what it looked like and where I was going to put it at mom's so that we can start writing it down (we are their executors).

We have not told any of the kids yet. A couple still are in exam mode and there is no point disrupting that for them. Sister agreed that we would tell the kids before xmas regardless of whether we got the CT or not so they could make sure they took advantage of Christmas.

DH and I went over to their house and brought in Chinese at their request. Dad ate so much I am wondering how much he has been eating lately. I feel bad that I haven't been more on top of things.

We managed to get an HDMI cord hooked up to their TV which is bolted into their entertainment unit (it was made for a box tv and he got a flat screen but wouldn't get rid of the unit.) I managed to get the hockey feed  to load in their iffy wifi house and they got to see DS's game. It meant a lot to them.

The radio guy interviewed DS earlier in the week and played it after the first so they got to hear him being interviewed. My mom cried.  Then not long into the game DS scored (he is definitely not the highest scorer on the team).

It was a really good night.  I am going over tomorrow to take her for a bit of shopping if she is up to it and wrap up gifts for her. She only buys for the great grandkids now. There's just too many in the family otherwise.

and then this happened

It was a good day of work. I had enough energy created from yesterday's rest to have a decent day at work both in the classroom and in the bathroom.

I stopped at my mom's after school. Sister 2 was there and as I passed the two windows outside the kitchen, she gave me 'the look'.

I took a breath and braced myself for what was to come.

Mom's cancer is back and in her lungs. It is pretty significant in the xrays and the dr let it slip that it was indeed melanoma.  She is on the list for a rush scan to get more specific details.

She has been so sick with what seemed like the flu for the past 6 weeks. She was super weak but wouldn't go to the dr. What was worse was that her spirit was gone. Never seen her like this.

I received the news well. Didn't break down in front of  mom. We talked for a good hour about Christmas plans and we left it at that.

I got into her garage before I broke down.    This is not going to be easy.