Reflections on 2019

I truly thought 2018 was tough but 2019 was even more so.

Still I can't say that all of 2019 was awful. I had some really life changing experiences  - most of them from small moments and not grand.

Healthwise 2019 had it's ups and downs. The colitis was actually not too bad. I think the new oral pills I started in the fall gave me a boost. I am less terrified when I go somewhere, but I am still always aware of food intake and bathroom potentials when I go. Physically I had that awful bout of tendinitis that hit me just a couple weeks into the fall school year and threw everything off balance. The 2 rounds of pneumonia with a tail end of bronchitis is what did me in at the end. 6 weeks of barely being able to move and think in November and December.

Mental Health wise it was tough. I lost the ability to think or focus or make decisions. Everything was overwhelming. I did a lot of go go go and then just crawled into bed after supper if I wasn't on dad duty before he passed. After, there really was no reason to be awake more than I had to. The stress over his healthcare and then the fallout after the will was just more than I could handle.

Moneywise I have held steady but that drive to pay pay pay down was not here. It really just was survival. And I am at peace with that.


2019 let me have all kinds of adventures with dad. Anytime he was strong enough he was wanting to go and do things and since I was with him the most, especially in the spring and early summer. While I sometimes grumbled to myself about having no free time, each of the experiences I had with him it was a blessing.

I was grateful that he was healthy enough to do so many of the things he loved and that he did not pass sick and weak and in the hospital.

I was able to go to France for the first time and visit DS and his girlfriend. It was absolutely gorgeous weather there when it was 40 below here at home. Different foods and sights and experiences were so appreciated .

I lost myself for a while last year and hope to find myself again.

Settling in

We have been here at the new house since Monday the 9th

We weren't really ready to move but we had to. DS2 had promised the Scouting Service Corps they could hold their winter meeting at our old house. We really should have been out by then but all this illness slowed the whole process down.

On Sunday the 8th we planned to move. I headed over to get a few grocery staples. It felt weird wandering, not really sure what I needed and not a lot of energy to do it.

 We loaded up a couple laundry baskets with some clothes and headed over to try to set a few things up. I was so sick and weak and coughing. I ended up going to the ER and after a 4 hour stay they said I had a second round of pneumonia. Viral, of course, so no meds would work.

I came home to the new house and told DH I just couldn't do it that night. I just needed to be 'home'. We had a supper here then went back to our old house for the night. I crawled into bed and crashed hard.

Monday I didn't end up working the whole day. Just constant coughing and so weak. I came home and spent the afternoon resting and doing a few things like cleaning out the fridge, and a few cupboards, taking what I know DS wouldn't eat.

I had a big panic attack around 4 when DH was due to come home and I knew I was leaving the house for good. Nothing like a big ole panic attack and some crying to make a positive start.

DS brought over the cats and I relaxed as I watched them run from room to room exploring what was almost all new to them furniture ( we are using a lot of what was mom and dad's until we can afford to replace them.

It felt very final to be moving in. The reality that mom and dad are both gone is hitting home.

There are lots of things to still do. It's more than unpacking  - it's a lot of 'this cupboard is where mom always kept the...…"

I have to do it in bits or it's just too overwhelming.

Reflections on 2019 money

To be honest, the intensive focus on debt reduction was much less for me in 2019. Just too many other things going on.  I probably could have done a lot better at attacking this if all this with dad and the new house hadn't been a part of the year. But it was and so I take it at what it is.... small progress.


Here is a peek at the past years' numbers that now, are just the mortgage:

December 2009 - $70 771.99
December 2010 - $52 410.25 (down $18 361.74)
December 2011 - $40 055.29 (down $12 354.96)
December 2012 - $35 921.04 (down $4 134.25)
December 2013 - $25 925.49 (down $9 995.55)
December 2014 - $22 494.06 (down $3431.43)
December 2015 - $18 837.12 (down $3656.94)
December 2016 - $15 009.96 (down $3827.16)
December 2017 - $11 055.48 (down $3954.48)
December 2018 - $6969.94 (down $4085.94)

The two debts, including the College LOC past were:

Debt 2016
Mortgage - $15 009.96
College LOC - $13 245.16

Total Debt - $28 255.12

Debt 2017
Mortgage - $11 055.48
College LOC - $21 343.00

Total Debt - $32 398.48 


Debt 2018 

Mortgage - $6969.94

College LOC - $14 700

Total Debt - $21 669.94

Debt 2019
Mortgage - $2756.00
College LOC - $6800.00

Total Debt - $9 556.00

My goal last year was to get the LOC down to between $7000 and 8000 so I consider that a win.

The mortgage should be paid off in 2020. I will have to remind my husband that we need to set aside $ for property tax as it has been included in the mortgage payment.

There is no mortgage on the new house. So if we end up selling the old house that money can be used to wipe out all debt and put money towards our retirement.


I don't want to get too happy about things as Murphy tends to hear those sorts of thoughts and starts his own plan.

A year of change

While my blogging has taken a hit this year, I did keep up with my change. I think it was a normalizing constant.

The banks are getting pickier about the prerolled $ though. Often they open up the roll of toonies and loonies as apparently people try to 'steal' by putting quarters in here and there. I don't care if they open it up. They also are pushing their money counting machine, which is all well and good. It is the actual gathering and rolling, though, that is the familiar appeal to me.

As I went through my blog to see when I had recorded it, I was surprised by how few entries I had. I feel like I deposited more than I actually have in the blog.



February - $100
June - $100
August - $100
September - $200
December - $100

For a total of $600

I could have left it alone, but I wanted to know if I only did it that often or if I had just neglected to write about it. The account I put it in has only a few movements each month so it would be easy to track.

I found 
January $100
April - $100

so I guess that brings the total to $800

I definitely need to keep better track, for my own mind

Here are my previous years' change amounts:



2012 -$549.50
2013 - $980
2014 - $512
2015 - $642
2016 - $825
2017 - $970
2018 - $840

I will continue to gather my change. I always put the first $500 towards back to school and the rest towards my TFSA.

Christmas

A quiet Christmas and I think that was ok. There were a lot of emotions to process.

Christmas eve it was just the two of us here at home. We put the Christmas tree downstairs and lit a fire in the fireplace (definitely a novelty) and watched a movie.

This morning instead of kids waking us up it was the cats, who were waiting for their breakfast.

It has snowed throughout the night and looked pretty with that new blanket covering everything. DH went and shoveled our driveway and the two neighbours (who were my neighbours growing up) then went back to the old house and shoveled there and our driveway neighbor.

He came home and we went downstairs to do our one gift exchange. Even better was watching the boys (the cats) open their first Christmas presents ever. It made me smile.

DH got me a new kitchen aide mixer, as both mine and my mom's were old generic ones who were tired from years of cookie making.

We had brunch here, just like we have had many times over the years, except that it was just the two of us. Good news though, the new smoke detector works and is ridiculously sensitive. Ahhh bacon.


We went to DH's sister's house for an early Christmas supper. Very quiet over there too. Just the two of them and my brother in law's brother from Calgary. It always bothered me how they just....sat for Christmas, even when the kids were young. Our family Christmas's were always busy doing things together. Her cats saved me though.

I did a quick stop at my oldest sister's house and visited with her grandkids for about 30 minutes and then headed home.

DH and I are curled up again downstairs to watch a movie. So very different from every Christmas we have spent.

Surfacing

I am writing to you from our new house - my childhood house.

Not gonna lie. It was a tough fall.

Going straight from dad's passing to the funeral to will issues to work to a severe case of tendonitis to hubby's torn ligaments to 5 weeks and 2 rounds of pneumonia for me - all the while trying to clean and paint and steam clean carpets at the new house....it's taken its toll.

I am still fighting depression. Still sick and coughing and weak. Money has gotten a bit out of hand.

I am appreciating this couple weeks of downtime to just breathe.

Half the new house is still unpacked and sorted. Most of our stuff is still at the old house where DS2 is holding down the fort.

I finished work Friday last week and came home and just sat. Sure there's lots to do but the hump and grind of the past 2 and a half years has eased and it was super odd to just...have...time.

I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

So for those of you still peeking to see if I am alive, thank you.

I am trying to get back to normal. or new normal.