Mom passed away last week. The funeral was yesterday.
She fought super hard but the melanoma just spread everywhere.
We had her for a week in the city getting radiation on her hip and tailbone. That relieved some pain but a CT scan there said she had dozens of cancer lesions in the brain.
After she came back to the hospital here she never quite bounced back. Some moments of lucidity and memory sharing. Other moments of incredible confusion and fear and tears. We went from a family meeting of several weeks to go to ....gone, three days later.
We sang her out with the guitar and songs from our campfire.
The funeral planning shouldn't have been hard. Mom had spelled it all out quite clearly with me in Feb. But 2 of the sisters struggled and it became incredibly stressful as they tried to take over mom's wishes.
I made sure the service was exactly how she wanted it with enough of sister opinion to ease the waters. I think.
I went back to work today. Incredibly tired and SO far behind on marking, with only a few weeks of teaching to go.
My grief hasn't been profound now. That concerns me a little. Is the wall coming? Or were all those moments of tears and depression over the past 6 months my grief and now I am just going to have to try to 'get used' to her not being here?
My time still isn't my own. Instead of long hospital vigils with mom, it has transferred to time spent at dad's cleaning and cooking and talking. His health isn't great so it may truly be just a matter of time before I do this again.
2018 has been exhausting.
Tuesday, Nice weekend!
1 day ago
11 comments:
I am so incredibly sorry - my thoughts and prayers are with your family!!!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief will come in waves, I bet. I still feel it nearly 8 and 6 years later.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss xx
I was wondering what was up as you hadn't posted in some time and I just saw the post after this(missed this one)so I back pedaled to it.
Like everyone says, I am sorry for you and your whole family's loss. I'll pray for strength for you all as y'all navigate life without your mom in the coming months. Show your dad much kindness and grace in the short term and most of all, show that same grace to yourself as you soldier on in life.
Even though I'm just a faceless name on the internet I'm giving you a cyber hug, whatever that is worth. ;-) You'll get through this raw time with unfamiliar emotions and find your new normal, hoping that's sooner rather than later.
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. Sending you & your family hugs, patience, and strength to get through this time together.
Long time reader...first time commenting. I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you during this time.
Jolie, I'm so sorry to learn of your mothers passing. Sending you hugs and prayers from the east coast.
I am so sad for you Jolie. I was so touched by the thoughts of your family playing and singing to your mom in hospital. I lost my mom in 2000 and think of her daily, sometimes with a laugh or two, sometimes with tears. Thinking about and sharing good memories of your mom will give you comfort. Be kind to yourself - I'm glad summer break is not too far away.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Jolie.
When my mother passed away, her best friend told me she couldn't imagine a better way to go. I asked what she meant -- all I could see was the machines, the suffering, the impersonal hospital environment. "With her family all there, her kids holding her hand, stroking her hair," she said. "That's how I'd like my last days to be. I know how much it meant to her." Thinking back years later, I believe she was right. My mother didn't want to go, but she was comforted we we're all there.
I'm sure your prescence and your family's was a comfort to her, even when she wasn't conscious or coherent enough to express it. I hope you can find some comfort for yourself in that, as well as ensuring her wishes were honored.
And please, do be kind to yourself. Grief is a long road.
Thank you so much everyone.
My time has just shifted from at the hospital to at dad's. I feel incredible guilt everytime I leave him though as he is not well and so very lonely. They definitely were each other's lives.
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