confessions

Since I started this blog in 2008, one of my most proud accomplishments was my organization of the household paperwork. I proudly set up my blue filing tub with labels and things were filed dutifully.

I was on top of it.

Need my last Credit rating? no problem

Need that MC statement for those tires I bought? here ya go

The last year everything in my world fell apart, including my filing.

Now bills still got paid, but there was more than one occasion where I was paying off my MC and I accidentally sent the money to my VISA, without realizing until it was too late.

Then I wasn't able to find papers - bills, the house transfer papers - the receipt for the new water heater to prove it was still under warrantee.

The more exhausted and stressful my world became, the worse the paper work organizing was. Things got shoved. On top of the fridge. In drawers.

And then moving when I was so sick did not help matters. Things were shoved in boxes and bags and laundry baskets.

Nor did having two power bills, two water bills, two phone bills for two different houses.

and yes I still get paper bills, and I will until I feel I have things under control.

All this online with different account numbers and different passwords because they have different requirements is overwhelming.

and I didn't have the brain energy to focus long enough to begin, without also feeling overwhelmed. I would say this is a product of the grief and depression.

Slowly, as I start to find me again, I am finding paperwork.

I started by emptying everything out of my filing tub and sorting into piles. Then I shredded the things I no longer need.  The night before last I made new labels for the tubs.

Power bills for each house, water bills, tax, etc

And then I began getting paper sorted and into the correct piles.

With each pile done, I felt more and more in control and could literally feel the stress leave my body bit by bit.

I called DH downstairs to the office to proudly show off the clean desk ( mom's desk) and went through where everything is kept so he knows too.

With each box I slowly unpack I find bits here and there and I stop and get those filed right away so I know where everything is.

Taxes forms are coming in for all of us and for dad's estate and I don't want to misplace a thing.

I may be taking a long time to unpack but it's a fine line juggling what was left here from mom and dad and putting my stuff in where it feels right so that the blend they wanted, eventually happens.

It felt really good to see that sorted and organized bill tub.

The Sugar Bowl

It was just a Corelle sugar bowl. From probably the early 90s. Not those old blue ones I see in news articles that are worth thousands of dollars ( I have those too).

Just a little sugar bowl like the picture below.

When we moved to mom and dad's house, or rather, AS we were doing the move, bit by bit last fall, one of the first things I did was bring my dishes over and move mom's over to the other house where DS2 is living now. It was part of my psychology of moving in.

But I didn't touch the sugar bowl.

That bowl sat in the middle of the table for years. It was there when we came to supper with mom and dad. It was there for morning coffee or afternoon tea.  It was what I played in, slowly picking the sugar up with the spoon and letting it fall back into bowl. My own kind of zen garden I guess.

My mom would bug me and tell me to quit playing in the sugar.

My dad spilled it accidentally one day and 'blamed' me. We all had a good laugh over that.

When DS1's girlfriend did one of her first visits over here, she too mindlessly dipped up sugar and let it slide off the spoon. That's when mom knew she was the right one for my son :-)

After mom passed it stayed on the table and was there as my sister and I tried to maintain 'normal' with dad... morning coffee and afternoon tea.

And when he passed it was one of the things in the kitchen I purposely didn't touch.

I've had a tough go mentally. I still have to 'not think' about why I am living here in this house. It's just too hard. I remember what I lost, and I remember finding him here, in the house.

I just appreciate the moments. And though I don't put sugar in my coffee, I do put a little in my tea and it's there, and so are mom and dad.

So today when DH was pulling the plastic cap off the top of the water jug before taking it back to the store to get refilled, the jug bounced.....and  the sugar bowl went flying. Off the table and a big smash.

I heard the 'shit!!' and came running.

I think DH was prepared for a strong emotional moment. I have done that far too many times in the past. A few tears came down my cheeks and I said 'it's ok. It doesn't change the memories'.

I think he was a bit in shock. I restated that it was ok and started to clean it up.

The bowl broke perfectly in half. I mean......perfectly.

I rummaged in the drawer for the little tube of crazy glue dad left behind. I don't touch it. I do not have a good track record for using crazy glue and not getting it on my fingers.

DH glued it back together.  A tiny crack if you look hard enough.

The bowl is back in the middle of the table, ready for tea tomorrow.

I am grateful I handled it as well as I did and that tells me that I am starting to come back to me.

Hello me! It's been a long time.

Where the money stands

as of February 3rd

Debt

Mortgage - $2 032.00

College LOC - $5100.00

Total Debt - $7 132

Planned Savings

TFSA - $9900

RRSP - $14 262

TFSA 2020 - $500

Back to School - $300

Summer 2020 - $0

Christmas 2020 - $500

January change

$100 in change went to the bank this month.

I put it towards my back to school fund. Once I get it up to $500 then any change rolled goes towards my TFSA.

Where the money stands

as of January 7, 2020

New year...new tracking. And hopefully more faithful than I was the latter half of 2019.


This year brings us close to, if not done, the mortgage at the old house and also, the college LOC

I don't want to say that too loudly as Murphy does love to take advantage of progress and throw new, unexpected expenses at us.

Debt

Mortgage - $2 500.00

College LOC - $7000.00

Total Debt - $9 500

Planned Savings

TFSA - $9900

RRSP - $14 262

TFSA 2020 - $500

Back to School - $200

Summer 2020 - $0

Christmas 2020 - $500

I didn't end up spending all my xmas money as we didn't really buy gifts and no one was over.  I have $500 ready to go for next year.

I didn't end up spending all my back to school as my brain was overwhelmed with funeral and post funeral things so  I have a head start on that as well.