Reflections on 2018

This was a tough year. Not just for our family but for so many around us. Mom's passing. Dad's illness. DS2's battle with depression and anxiety. Having to put down our fur baby cat after 12 years was so hard. We lost four young lives in our community from suicide. A young coworker was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma. Our local hockey world was rocked with the Humboldt Bus Crash. I keep these people in my mind each day and recognize that others are struggling too.

I learned a lot about palliative care this year with mom's time in the hospital until her passing, and dad's multiple visits. My world changed to a rhythm of work, hospital, home to bed. Or if dad is at home, work, dad's (and stay the night) or home to bed. There wasn't a ton of me time, or any mental energy for it when there was.  I learned that there wasn't much I wouldn't do for mom or dad if they needed it. Groceries. Taking care of the home. Bathing mom. Running for absolutely anything they need.  I learned which family members I can rely on, and which I cannot.

I learned that grief is ongoing, and hits me at the most random times. It is ever present.

I am struggling to find the positives for the year, but I know they are there, floating in a sea of sadness and exhaustion.

There were many positives during mom's care as she shared stories with me during our multitude of hours together. Stories of her youth that she hadn't yet shared with me. Watching her joy when she had an appetite and  ate voraciously things I cooked or brought up to her at the hospital. Her pleasure at visits from the most random people who stopped by to visit her.  We brought her home twice in the spring so she could be in her house with dad and her dog, surrounded by family. Those moments were a LOT of work and arranging and brought her untold happiness.

I have gotten to know dad a lot better. He was always closer to sister 2 (and that is ok). I am fortunate enough to share time with him and hear his stories. His mind, always working, always planning for the future. He was never one to show a ton of love or sadness and I see it in him now in spades. Perhaps I just am looking with different eyes now.

I have gotten to know sister 2 better as we switch off for care and have a common belief in dad's care and how things need to go after he is gone. She has sacrificed much.

Two new babies were born into the family this year. One before mom passed, but was too sick to hold, and one at the start of fall. I am sad that my mom (and probably dad) won't be there at my sons' weddings, nor will they get a chance to know any grandchildren that come their way.

I got to see my son's last year of College hockey. A visit down in March for Senior weekend to spend time with our hockey family and see the amazing city he called home. I got to witness his championship game, winning the National Title for a team of underdogs. I have never seen that many people so genuinely happy for a group of young men.  He graduated from college and is now living in Europe with his girlfriend, playing the game he loves.

I got to see DS2 start to (slowly) work through his mental health issues. He has ups and downs. A LOT of downs. He has his first girlfriend now. That is taking some getting used to for me. It is good to see him smile now.


I end, appreciating the little moments far more than I ever realized. A rare weekend morning to sleep in instead of care giving. A Facetime with my son. A meal prepared for my dad.

I hope 2019 isn't as heartbreaking as 2018 was, but I hope that I continue to appreciate all the little moments, and I start to get back to experiencing life again.

2018 - A quick glance

2018 was a funky year for everything. Anyone who reads my blog knows that.

I lost interest in a lot of things, but for the most part, I did keep plucking along the journey to reducing debt.  Many things are on autopilot after 10 years of fine tuning and practice, and thank goodness for that, or I might gone off the rails.

However anyone following my blog knows I have a LOC serving as funding for DS1's college fees. I purposely did not choose to include that when it first was activated as that number has moved up and down within each year.

Here is a peek at the past years' numbers that now, are just the mortgage:

December 2009 - $70 771.99
December 2010 - $52 410.25 (down $18 361.74)
December 2011 - $40 055.29 (down $12 354.96)
December 2012 - $35 921.04 (down $4 134.25)
December 2013 - $25 925.49 (down $9 995.55)
December 2014 - $22 494.06 (down $3431.43)
December 2015 - $18 837.12 (down $3656.94)
December 2016 - $15 009.96 (down $3827.16)
December 2017 - $11 055.48 (down $3954.48)
December 2018 - $6969.94 (down $4085.94)

The two debts, including the College LOC past were:

Debt 2016
Mortgage - $15 009.96
College LOC - $13 245.16

Total Debt - $28 255.12

Debt 2017
Mortgage - $11 055.48
College LOC - $21 343.00

Total Debt - $32 398.48 


Debt 2018 

Mortgage - $6969.94

College LOC - $14 700

Total Debt - $21 669.94

I am just looking at my numbers now for the first time. I did WELL in reducing the debt this year. Holy. Granted I didn't have to add any new money to the LOC as I did in 2017, so that makes a big difference. But wow. That's pretty awesome. 

If my mortgage money stays stable then I will be down somewhere between $2500 and $3000 at the end of 2019. I will probably also not be living in this house  but we will still own it. (more on that to come later)

It is my hope that I can reduce the College LOC by about $7000 to $8000. So that puts me done this loan and the mortgage at the end of 2020 barring anything super unforeseen (knock on wood).

The change jar

I feel like my change jar didn't get a lot of love this year. There were a lot of months where I had nothing to roll (or not enough for a full roll).  But in a year with so many pieces missing, the months that I DID roll gave me a sense of comfortable nostalgia.

I used the change  jar to fund my back to school money and some of my TFSA. It was a wonderfully passive way to repurpose money that  may not be seen as significant.

Here are my past years' contributions:

2012 -$549.50
2013 - $980
2014 - $512
2015 - $642
2016 - $825
2017 - $970

So for this tumultuous year..

January - $100
February - $90
March  - $0
April - $0
May - $100
June - $100
July - $50
August - $100
September - $100
October - $100
November - $100
December - $0

For a 2018 total of $840.

Not my highest, but definitely impactful.

Twas the day before Christmas

For so many reasons this Christmas is unlike any I have experienced yet.

DS1 is in Europe.

My kitty of a dozen years is gone.

Mom is gone.

Dad is unwell.

In late November we decided at our house there would be no 'Christmas'. No gifts exchanged whatsoever. We thought to redirect that money toward a trip to Europe to see DS in February. A good idea for all kinds of reasons but the house feels very odd. I put the little coffee table tree up but it looks lonely with nothing under it. Not even a cat to smack down the occasional ornament.

I have been at dad's since school got out Friday. My sister is gone to the city to spend early Christmas with her kids. She has been doing the lions share of dad care and desperately needs a break. That means I will do dad's meals, keep the fire in his wood stove going, and keep him company during the day and over night.  He is really feeling mom's absence. He was never the gung ho Christmas guy with presents and decorations. This year he said NO when sister 3 did a fleeting visit down and got mad at him for not having decorations up. She put some up anyways. As soon as she left he made me take them down.  He has little choice in his world these days. I am a little disappointed with her that she couldn't respect that.

Sister 2 is home later today. She plans to spend the night tonight with him.

We are off to sister 1's house for supper. A small gathering. Two of her kids, their significant other, one baby and us.

I just can't seem to find any joy this season. Perhaps if dad weren't sick it would be easier, but as of right now, we are still living through this loss. I know we are not alone. So many folk have lost their someone in 2018 and are trying to navigate this festive season without them.

Where the money stands

as of Dec 3

Debt

Mortgage - $6969.94
College LOC - $14 700

Total Debt - $21 669.94


Planned Savings


TFSA - $8200
RRSP - $15 814
XMAS - $1500
TFSA 2019 - $100
RRSP - $1500 (needs to be added to RRSP)