The Sugar Bowl

It was just a Corelle sugar bowl. From probably the early 90s. Not those old blue ones I see in news articles that are worth thousands of dollars ( I have those too).

Just a little sugar bowl like the picture below.

When we moved to mom and dad's house, or rather, AS we were doing the move, bit by bit last fall, one of the first things I did was bring my dishes over and move mom's over to the other house where DS2 is living now. It was part of my psychology of moving in.

But I didn't touch the sugar bowl.

That bowl sat in the middle of the table for years. It was there when we came to supper with mom and dad. It was there for morning coffee or afternoon tea.  It was what I played in, slowly picking the sugar up with the spoon and letting it fall back into bowl. My own kind of zen garden I guess.

My mom would bug me and tell me to quit playing in the sugar.

My dad spilled it accidentally one day and 'blamed' me. We all had a good laugh over that.

When DS1's girlfriend did one of her first visits over here, she too mindlessly dipped up sugar and let it slide off the spoon. That's when mom knew she was the right one for my son :-)

After mom passed it stayed on the table and was there as my sister and I tried to maintain 'normal' with dad... morning coffee and afternoon tea.

And when he passed it was one of the things in the kitchen I purposely didn't touch.

I've had a tough go mentally. I still have to 'not think' about why I am living here in this house. It's just too hard. I remember what I lost, and I remember finding him here, in the house.

I just appreciate the moments. And though I don't put sugar in my coffee, I do put a little in my tea and it's there, and so are mom and dad.

So today when DH was pulling the plastic cap off the top of the water jug before taking it back to the store to get refilled, the jug bounced.....and  the sugar bowl went flying. Off the table and a big smash.

I heard the 'shit!!' and came running.

I think DH was prepared for a strong emotional moment. I have done that far too many times in the past. A few tears came down my cheeks and I said 'it's ok. It doesn't change the memories'.

I think he was a bit in shock. I restated that it was ok and started to clean it up.

The bowl broke perfectly in half. I mean......perfectly.

I rummaged in the drawer for the little tube of crazy glue dad left behind. I don't touch it. I do not have a good track record for using crazy glue and not getting it on my fingers.

DH glued it back together.  A tiny crack if you look hard enough.

The bowl is back in the middle of the table, ready for tea tomorrow.

I am grateful I handled it as well as I did and that tells me that I am starting to come back to me.

Hello me! It's been a long time.

Reflections on 2019

I truly thought 2018 was tough but 2019 was even more so.

Still I can't say that all of 2019 was awful. I had some really life changing experiences  - most of them from small moments and not grand.

Healthwise 2019 had it's ups and downs. The colitis was actually not too bad. I think the new oral pills I started in the fall gave me a boost. I am less terrified when I go somewhere, but I am still always aware of food intake and bathroom potentials when I go. Physically I had that awful bout of tendinitis that hit me just a couple weeks into the fall school year and threw everything off balance. The 2 rounds of pneumonia with a tail end of bronchitis is what did me in at the end. 6 weeks of barely being able to move and think in November and December.

Mental Health wise it was tough. I lost the ability to think or focus or make decisions. Everything was overwhelming. I did a lot of go go go and then just crawled into bed after supper if I wasn't on dad duty before he passed. After, there really was no reason to be awake more than I had to. The stress over his healthcare and then the fallout after the will was just more than I could handle.

Moneywise I have held steady but that drive to pay pay pay down was not here. It really just was survival. And I am at peace with that.


2019 let me have all kinds of adventures with dad. Anytime he was strong enough he was wanting to go and do things and since I was with him the most, especially in the spring and early summer. While I sometimes grumbled to myself about having no free time, each of the experiences I had with him it was a blessing.

I was grateful that he was healthy enough to do so many of the things he loved and that he did not pass sick and weak and in the hospital.

I was able to go to France for the first time and visit DS and his girlfriend. It was absolutely gorgeous weather there when it was 40 below here at home. Different foods and sights and experiences were so appreciated .

I lost myself for a while last year and hope to find myself again.

Reflections on 2019 money

To be honest, the intensive focus on debt reduction was much less for me in 2019. Just too many other things going on.  I probably could have done a lot better at attacking this if all this with dad and the new house hadn't been a part of the year. But it was and so I take it at what it is.... small progress.


Here is a peek at the past years' numbers that now, are just the mortgage:

December 2009 - $70 771.99
December 2010 - $52 410.25 (down $18 361.74)
December 2011 - $40 055.29 (down $12 354.96)
December 2012 - $35 921.04 (down $4 134.25)
December 2013 - $25 925.49 (down $9 995.55)
December 2014 - $22 494.06 (down $3431.43)
December 2015 - $18 837.12 (down $3656.94)
December 2016 - $15 009.96 (down $3827.16)
December 2017 - $11 055.48 (down $3954.48)
December 2018 - $6969.94 (down $4085.94)

The two debts, including the College LOC past were:

Debt 2016
Mortgage - $15 009.96
College LOC - $13 245.16

Total Debt - $28 255.12

Debt 2017
Mortgage - $11 055.48
College LOC - $21 343.00

Total Debt - $32 398.48 


Debt 2018 

Mortgage - $6969.94

College LOC - $14 700

Total Debt - $21 669.94

Debt 2019
Mortgage - $2756.00
College LOC - $6800.00

Total Debt - $9 556.00

My goal last year was to get the LOC down to between $7000 and 8000 so I consider that a win.

The mortgage should be paid off in 2020. I will have to remind my husband that we need to set aside $ for property tax as it has been included in the mortgage payment.

There is no mortgage on the new house. So if we end up selling the old house that money can be used to wipe out all debt and put money towards our retirement.


I don't want to get too happy about things as Murphy tends to hear those sorts of thoughts and starts his own plan.

Catching up .... DS1 is home

The Thursday before Easter was greatly anticipated.

 One because we had a week off school and the break was oh so welcome.

Two because the weather was so lovely. Snow gone and I could go walking

Three because DS1 was coming home from France.

He had an amazing year of experiences culminating with their team making out of the bottom third to take the National Championship. His girlfriend had come home a month earlier to get ready for a summer of weddings so he was on his own. He isn't sure if he will go back there. He' s looking for something in North America to be closer to home. The girlfriend has a full time job as a legal secretary and is making good money. It was tough for DS to be so far away when so many tough family moments have happened. So we will contact his agent to see what is available in North America.

He was excited to see family and be home but between you and me I think he was most excited to meet his new cat. We didn't get back from the airport until 10:30 and he spent four hours playing with him.

It was so lovely to have all my kids' heartbeats under my roof.

me time

Me time certainly hasn't been copious lately. Not really even existent to be truthful.

I have two weeks left of work for the year and I am holding on by a thread.

I carved some me time this past week.

Wednesday, I used a gift certificate my staff gave me and went for a pedicure. I haven't gone since September last year. I swear I am two feet shorter than I was before with all the dead skin. It was nice to visit with a friend while I went and just..........sit.

Friday night after visiting my dad for a couple hours I came home to find DS1 cleaning. Like deep root drawer by drawer cleaning. It made mama so happy. He brought a lot of stuff home from college and before he tried putting it away he went drawer by drawer and made serious toss, recycle and keep piles. There is so much room in his room now, in his closet and in his storage cupboard downstairs. It was pretty exciting.

We celebrated by using money from my entertainment jar, ordering pizza and making a salad to go with it. It made me want to be off work to keep cleaning and tossing and sorting at home.

That evening we sat around our first fire in the backyard. So good having all three kids there with us, just talking...about the past...about the future in Europe and just.......being.

It definitely was rejuvenating and so necessary.

We made supper at dad's last night so he had food cooked in his own house and company to go with it. Tonight we are taking him out to the lake to my sister's campsite for a Father's Day supper.

With all the stress of mom's illness and passing, dad's health and Sister 1 and 3s variety pack of meltdowns about mom and the funeral and ............stuff...........I have to work extra hard to find peace of mind.

I am still not sleeping, and my colitis is a hot mess.

But I will take the me time I am giving myself.

Reflections on 2017

It's tough to reflect on a year when the events of the past couple weeks have definitely shaped my view on things.

Family

We had some great milestones with our immediate family this year.

DS2 graduated from his college and had his diploma in environmental law. He spent the summer exploring law enforcement and did a great job, but he's not sure if it is for him.  He is currently figuring things out.

DS1 's highlight was heading to the National Finals for his hockey. We played in an amazing championship game, saw a gorgeous city for the first time and looked on proudly as he played in front of about 20,000 people. It was a once in a lifetime experience.

Travel

We dabbled our toes in a new city with our April trip to Chicago. We did well maneuvering a new airport, new city, new methods of transportation. We had lovely weather and some great dining experiences. In October we did our last family weekend at my son's college. Each time we go to his city we see new things and I am sad that our time in that beautiful place is only months away from ending.

Money

Money held steady for the most part. Mortgage went down. LOC went up. I stayed CC debt free. I met most of my goals but not quite all of them. My good habits are deeply ingrained.  I hope to continue to grow those good habits next year, but moreso, I hope that they can help plan for some life experience

Health

My colitis continued to wreak havoc on my world. Limiting my outings. Exhausting me body and soul. Often coming close to breaking my spirit. I am now on monthly infusions instead of bimonthly. For the first time I was given a receipt for this and each one rings it at $3478. I think it is helping but I am not sure yet. I still have to be very careful and preplan any outings around my food intake and my bathroom needs.


Ancestry

I had a great time on ancestry.ca this summer. I found new family connections, some closely related and some farther away. We met one of my first cousins for the first time. It made my mom's summer to meet a long lost nephew.

Weight

I believe last year was one of the first in a long time where I did not set a weight goal. Ironically, I woke up one day in August and said 'this is it' and started on a journey of weight loss that is still continuing. I have blogged about it at Jolie - a year from now . It's not a very exciting blog by any means, but it  helps keep me on track to some extent. I am so lucky to have some great readers who encourage me on. You mean a lot to me. Thank you.

PS - I lost 31 lbs in 2017

Reading

I tried an alphabet game to make my reading more interesting, but it didn't do all that well to be honest. I need to bring more reading into my world again.


To sum things up, it was a year with some highs and some lows and a lot of flat in between.

I know 2018 is going to bring in some serious sadness. I hope I can find lots of good moments in between those to help get me through.

2017 - A Quick Glance

Peeking purely at the numbers, it would show that 2017 was not  a year of progress for my bottom line.  The mortgage has gone  down, predictably.




December 2009 - $70 771.99
December 2010 - $52 410.25 (down $18 361.74)
December 2011 - $40 055.29 (down $12 354.96)
December 2012 - $35 921.04 (down $4 134.25)
December 2013 - $25 925.49 (down $9 995.55)
December 2014 - $22 494.06 (down $3431.43)
December 2015 - $18 837.12 (down $3656.94)
December 2016 - $15 009.96 (down $3827.16)
December 2017 - $11 055.48 (down $3954.48)

That of course started as all debt and now just reflects mortgage.

However anyone following my blog knows I have a LOC serving as funding for DS1's college fees. I purposely did not choose to include that when it first was activated as that number has moved up and down within each year.



Debt 2016
Mortgage - $15 009.96
College LOC - $13 245.16

Total Debt - $28 255.12



Debt 2017
Mortgage - $11 055.48
College LOC - $21 343.00

Total Debt - $32 398.48

I added to the LOC a couple times during the year and I am slowly working on paying that down.  Side by side comparisons, however, show that the overall debt is up.

This is DS1's last year of college so barring anything unforeseen, this should slowly whittle down.

Update on October goals

October felt like a super long month. It started with a whirlwind trip down to see DS. I came home immediately to  parent teacher interviews and then it was volleyball tournaments each weekend until the end.

It truly felt like it was about 8 weeks long.


Here were my goals for October and how I felt I did:

:

• tuck money away for DS's college

I continued to put money away for college. The dollar has been sliding a bit so its just in a savings account until the dollar improves, or I have no choice.

• track the US dollar everyday to see when it is high enough to buy 

It was close to 80 cents but is now hovering at 77 cents

• decide on a plan for xmas - gifts. holidays etc

Not a clue. DS plays hockey on the East coast before New Years and I waffled with the idea of no presents and using that money for the trip. It's his last year and it would be nice to see him play in person a few times before it's all over. 

• stay on WW

I was doing well until a week after we returned from the US and then it all just fell apart. Winter came. It was cold. I stopped walking. I stopped tracking. I avoided the WW group posts on Facebook. I am working on getting back on track before I blow all my progress.

• continue with the other jolie blog for my weight loss journey

The posts have been sparse but I think of those great folk often, who follow me and cheer me on. I need to give them something to cheer about.

• fingers crossed 4 lb loss

It was 5 lbs of loss before the wagon falling off fiasco. If we go by the calendar, I ended October with a 3 pound net loss

• squeeze in as many walks outside as I can before it's too cold

Done. I miss it already.

• buy a new winter coat 

I actually found 2. That I liked! That was rare. Usually its 'because I found one that fits'. I was in the city for my infusion at my plus size ladies store. I had a $100 gift card from my sister for my birthday along with a $25 reward card. I found 2 coats I liked and as I entered the store there was a flash sale. Everything 2 for the price of 1. I bought two new lovely winter coats ( one black and one a light grey) for the price of 1 and then deducted my $125. It was a great feeling.

• read one book for pleasure

Done. But barely. It's hard for my brain to focus on reading during the school year.

• don't go hog wild on spending when I head down to the US to see DS

It really was gas, hotels and dining out. I did find a lovely plus sized store down there with so many dif options than I have up here and spent some money there. Was also a sale on there so that helped.

• keep tracking steps on my fitbit

I have religiously been using my fitbit and daily I am between 10 and 20 000 steps

• try one new recipe

Fail. Really should get on that.

And........that was October.

snowflakey January

For all the different good and bad that January brought, the snowflakes were the best.

January always brings that sense of renewed focus....of paying attention to the little things...of that drive to meet goals and make the best of the new year.

This January paid off in spades.

Grocery savings was my biggest friend. We  had stocked heavily for the boys return home... Freezer, pantry and fridge. Added to that was the wealth of leftovers that we got from both my mom and my sister after the Christmas meals. Mostly my sister. She continued to send over all the bits and pieces from her Christmas grocery purchases.

We had wonderful leftovers of turkey and ham that turned into soups and stews, quesadillas and 'ham'n'eggers. The wealth of fruit was devoured and then froze for smoothies. Veggies made their way as side dishes and salads and into omelets and more.

I was able to snowflake $300 of my grocery money during the month of January. I have it sitting right now in 3 pretty $100 bills, unsure right now of where to focus my effort. I won't spend them in that form, but if I had left them in my main account, or if I had gotten them in $20s they would have been siphoned away bit by bit.

Cooking for 2 really can get creative sometimes and we consciously work to repurpose leftovers in a way we aren't getting bored.

I hope the inertia of January pushes forward, for awhile.

Reflections on 2016

The year of 'meh'

I seem so many posts on 2016 about people saying that 2016 was awful in so many ways. Politics. Economics. Deaths.

I don't dispute those at all.

For me 2016 was a year of  'meh', which is a great word to describe that indolent shoulder shrug. Sure there have been lots of bright moments, but I didn't feel like I accomplished much. Worse yet, I didn't have the physical or brain energy to do much. Or to care.

I mean when a girl who loves notepads and lists sits down with a brand new shiny notepad and can't summon up enough brain cells to make a list - any list - we know that things are truly off.

My health has been shitty. Literally and figuratively. 2016 was the year of colitis 'accidents'. Humbling and degrading all in one.

My energy simply didn't exist. I got things done. mostly. but bare minimum seemed to be the standard of 2016. Exhaustion and I were BFFs

There were good things. I made it through my first year at a new school. A new baby in the family. My dad's 80th. A wonderful visit to DS at the end of September.

I met all my planned spending goals. There weren't too many Murphy moments. I didn't meet my goal to pay down my LOC to under $10 000.

I didn't read much. Correction - I didn't read anything new. Didn't have the brain cells to commit to anything new.  I reread a lot of things. Rewatched things on Netflix. Zoned out on computer games.

I honestly feel like an old lady sitting in her chair, passing time with trivialities. Not living. Just waiting to die.

I want to LIVE. I don't know what that looks like in my health limitations, but I want to live. I want spark. energy. zest for experiences.

What works?

Well mini goals work for me.

Something different but not too different to activate my mind.

What didn't work for me... doesn't take a genius to see that nothing I am doing is improving my health. When I did little spurts of WW or walking. It worked. I felt better.

I know...jaw dropping revelations.

I am not sure what new things or different things I need to do, but it's either that or roll over and wait for it all to be done.

Not exactly going to win cheerleader of the year with this post. Not looking for pity. Just ............ saying 'outloud' all the things I have been feeling lately.

And there has been a spark the past few days. The post Christmas, new budget, new goals, tabula rasa kind of spark.

I'll take that :-)

2016 - A quick glance

As you can see on the top right of my blog, my debt is currently sitting at $28 255.12

Part of that is mortgage and the rest is the college LOC.

The LOC has gone up and down this year. I keep whittling away at it each month, but a couple times a year I have to add more to make tuition payments or cost of living payments.   DS1 still isn't eligible for Canada Student Loans so for now, this will  have to do. His scholarship covers some, but all the other pieces, certainly do add up. It definitely doesn't help that this is in US dollars and our Canadian dollar is taking a kicking when we need to convert.

DS2 isn't eligible either. He has received a few scholarships in smaller amounts, and the money he made last summer goes a lot farther when it stays in Canadian funds.

The final number below is indicative of only the  mortgage. Adding in the current college LOC (and not counting January Semester 2 payments),  if I added it all together it would put me back at somewhere between 2012 and 2013.



December 2009 - $70 771.99
December 2010 - $52 410.25 (down $18 361.74)
December 2011 - $40 055.29 (down $12 354.96)
December 2012 - $35 921.04 (down $4 134.25)
December 2013 - $25 925.49 (down $9 995.55)
December 2014 - $22 494.06 (down $3431.43)
December 2015 - $18 837.12 (down $3656.94)
December 2016 - $15 009.96 (down $3827.16)

DS2 has 6 months left of his program but whether there are any jobs in his field has yet to be determined. There was a massive freeze last year and that is still in place. A lot of the Sask jobs were taken by Alberta folk out of work and 'coming home'.

DS1 has 18 months left of a four  year degree.

I feel like I made some progress but I definitely could have done more.

Aspirations for 2016

I feel like for a New Year, there should be all sorts of new and different kinds of things one has goals or plans for. As I looked back over the previous year's goals/plans/aspirations (word choice depending on my mood :-) , I can see that there hasn't been a whole lot of change.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have been reasonably successful at most of my goals. They have provided me with focus, been achieved, and helped me be somewhat ready for the money issues that come my way.

So my aspirations for 2016, money, and otherwise, are not terribly earth shattering. Just a plan to follow... a path to lead me on my journey.



1) Summer 2016 - $1000
This lets me enjoy my time off, knowing there is money there for camping, and other things that may come my way

2) Back to School - $500
Just me...so this goes for my professional fees, some back to school clothes and maybe something for my classroom

3) Christmas - $1500
So nice to have this money saved and not be terrified of Christmas bills

4) Vehicle Plates - $1200
This is for DS's car. Once he is done school and working, this bill will be his, so in a couple years this won't be part of my planned spending (fingers crossed)

5) College LOC - Get it under $10 000
I will keep whittling at this. I save each month for college. Reality is that the costs, plus the US dollar, is a bit like trying to bail out a boat leak with a thimble. I will keep at it though. I hate that I pay interest on this each month.



Ok the following two I am not even sure about. Yes saving for retirement is super important. Is the bit that I get  in interest  or from the tax refund for the RRSP worth it? Or would I be better putting the money I would normally put towards TFSA and RRSP  do better if I slammed it on my college LOC?  or buying US dollars for DS1?

My mental jury is still out on these two.


6) RRSP - $1000

7) TFSA - $1000




And then the personal ones.

8) Lose 3 lbs per month
I am overweight obese. I have to move. I have to lose. I have to.

9) Do something outside of the box each month
I am in a rut. I work. I do my extra curricular. I come home, make supper, do dishes, mark and sit. Most of the time. ok. almost all the time. This is not how I want to spend my next forty years.

10) Read 20 books this year.
I really dropped off the reading in 2015. I honestly was just rereading old books, that I did not put on my reading list page. They were comforting. They were easy. They helped me through some quiet in the house months. I would love to pick this back up again. Maybe even challenge myself to some 'thinking' books.

11) Move at least 20 min x 6 days a week
This ties into #8. My treadmill is back up and running (will write about this in another post). It lets me walk at my own pace, in chunks if need be, and I don't have to leave the house. Time for it to be more than a place to dry my clothes.

That's it for me.  Bring on 2016. (be gentle with me 2016? ok?)

Reflections on 2015

If I had to quickly summarize 2015, I would say that it wasn't my favourite year. I can dissect it and find positives along the way, which I definitely need to do, but overall, there were far too many Murphy visits that threw off my budget, my plan and my mojo.

Let's start with the financial ones:
The original post is HERE from last year.

1) TFSA - $2000 - done. It was done early in the early before things started to happen.

2) RRSP - $1500 - done. This was done by summer I believe.

3) Summer 2015 - $1000. This was done early too. It was nice to have that money for our camping trip.

4) Back to school - $500. This was a reduced amount compared to previous years. The boys both started college and BTS was much different with just me. I used it to pay my professional fees and a few things for my new classroom. And some clothes I think.

5) Vehicle Plates - $1200. done

6) Xmas 2015 - $1500 - done and all used up. The two plane tickets to BC ate up a big part of it.

7) Graduation costs - $500. done. Used for prom tickets (he ended up going) as well as cap and gown pics and a supper.



I know...you're thinking...she met all her financial goals...what is she complaining about??

Well let's talk Murphy.

Murphy1 - DS2's car. Repair after repair after repair. To the tune of close to $7000, about 2/3 covered under the warrantee I didn't want to buy, regretted buying, then was glad I had bought. The kicker was that it kept having to go in....that they didn't fix everything at once, said it was all good, and then a week or two later we were back in again.

Murphy 2 - DS2's car. So it is finally running well again and a massive hailstorm beats the car to death. Almost NOTHING from those repairs was factored into the insurance.

Murphy 3 - DS1's new to him car in mid July went hunting in September and took out a massive buck. or vice versa.  We had to deal with insurance out of the country, a mess of red tape and paperwork and then the hunt for a new vehicle which wasn't even close to the price of the previous one.

Murphy 4 - DS2's non trip to the US. couldn't go due to exams. No money back. $700 ticket wasted.

Murphy 5 - DH's trip to the US - half the ticket wasted as he drove DS1's new vehicle down to him.

Murphy 6 - the Canadian vs US dollar. It's at 71.something cents right now. And I have tuition due in January and another semester of living expenses. This exchange is financially paralyzing.

Murphy 7 - My health. Stupid colitis. I was so sick in March and April. Off work. Lived in the bathroom. Steroids didn't help. Slowly got better ish. Started a new infusion med and was so excited and optimistic. Was not meant to be. Got sick again starting around Canadian Thanksgiving and it has just gone downhill since then. I am not sure what the plan might be but I can't keep on like this. I am close to needing to be off work again.

A move to a new school. Some good. Some not so good. Nothing changeable, so we adapt as best we can and move on.

Empty Nest - not really a Murphy, but still a factor

It was all overwhelming and contributed to my health problems I am sure.

Absolutely there were positives.  A new baby in the family, born safe and healthy. My son graduating from High School on the Honour Roll with a diploma in French Immersion. A few more scholarships for DS2 to help us as he headed off to school.  A trip to see DS1 in the  US.  Mom and dad still are mostly healthy.

I can't control a whole lot of Murphy so I need to learn how to control how I react to Murphy.

I can't bring my children home again full time. I have to find a way to have a life without them here (yup and that made me cry)

I definitely need to work on finding jolie in 2016.

And that, is my year, wrapped up in a new little bow.