A restful first day ahahahahha

yeah not quite.

It started with me going to my niece and nephew's house to take care of their cat as they are at the lake. Long story short....all those darn houses in the new development look the same and I basically tried to Break and Enter into the neighbour's house.  I felt awful I frightened her and super embarrassed.

Then we discovered that the last big wind storm snapped one of our branches on a big tree. It wasn't all the way through but close.

So DS2, DH and I spent a couple hours bringing it down bit by bit. DS did the tree climbing, complete with proper gear. He was about 40 feet up the tree. We worked hard to be sure that nothing came down on the neighbour's side but I had moved some of their  things that were close to the fence. (yes I had permission and yes I moved it all back after) We have a LOT of branches to burn in the fire pit. Cost saved - dunno. a couple hundred?

What does 2 hours of tree pruning and branch clean up cost?

Then the washer decided to blow a house so there was water everywhere in the laundry room. We managed to get a proper clamp and get it working again. That washer is now 23 years old and still going. The furniture store guy gave us the clamp for free so that was nice.

DH and I went to dad's and BBQ'd for supper for him and watched the first quarter of the football game. This way I know he is fed and had company for awhile. He is still in poor condition and hating that he can do everything he wants.

I ......am .......tired.

I actually slept until 8:30 this morning. I never do that.

Another 7 min left of the football game, which we are losing and then I think I am off to bed.

End of the school year

There were times when I didn't know if I would make it.

There were times when I wondered if my parents would be alive at the end of the school year.

I looked forward to this day for a long while....just something to keep working towards so that I could just..................... be.

It was a tough year with student deaths and a lot of chaos at work.

It was a long 6 month C journey with mom and a long month after she was gone.

I pushed aside grieving to get through the end of the school year.

And now it's here.

Time to rest.

Time to think.

Time to pray and heal.

Time to be with dad.

Time to declutter and take care of a very neglected house and a very neglected me.

I laid down for a moment when I got home and I literally was asleep in under 60 seconds.

It's that kind of tired.

June change

...actually went into the bank earlier this month.

It was $100 in change and will go towards my TFSA. It now stands at $600 so only $400 to go before I have met this goal for the first time in a few years.

It's a good way to put passive savings towards a good goal.

me time

Me time certainly hasn't been copious lately. Not really even existent to be truthful.

I have two weeks left of work for the year and I am holding on by a thread.

I carved some me time this past week.

Wednesday, I used a gift certificate my staff gave me and went for a pedicure. I haven't gone since September last year. I swear I am two feet shorter than I was before with all the dead skin. It was nice to visit with a friend while I went and just..........sit.

Friday night after visiting my dad for a couple hours I came home to find DS1 cleaning. Like deep root drawer by drawer cleaning. It made mama so happy. He brought a lot of stuff home from college and before he tried putting it away he went drawer by drawer and made serious toss, recycle and keep piles. There is so much room in his room now, in his closet and in his storage cupboard downstairs. It was pretty exciting.

We celebrated by using money from my entertainment jar, ordering pizza and making a salad to go with it. It made me want to be off work to keep cleaning and tossing and sorting at home.

That evening we sat around our first fire in the backyard. So good having all three kids there with us, just talking...about the past...about the future in Europe and just.......being.

It definitely was rejuvenating and so necessary.

We made supper at dad's last night so he had food cooked in his own house and company to go with it. Tonight we are taking him out to the lake to my sister's campsite for a Father's Day supper.

With all the stress of mom's illness and passing, dad's health and Sister 1 and 3s variety pack of meltdowns about mom and the funeral and ............stuff...........I have to work extra hard to find peace of mind.

I am still not sleeping, and my colitis is a hot mess.

But I will take the me time I am giving myself.

Where the money stands

as of June 8th

Debt

Mortgage - $9 028.95

College LOC - $18 943.37

Total Debt - $27 972.32

Savings/Planned Spending

TFSA/EF - $8200
RRSP -$15 814

Summer 2018 - $1000 (goal met)

Back to School 2018 - $500 (goal met)

XMAS 2018 - $200

TFSA 2018 - $600

RRSP 2018 - $1500 (goal met)

Plates 2018 - $1000

New things I am adding to my savings/planned spending category? airline tickets. DS1 has signed a contract to play pro hockey in Europe starting in the fall.  We negotiated a visa for his gf into the deal so they will head off mid August to start their adult life together. Once he gets settled there we will see what their play schedule is and hopefully plan  a trip at Christmas. Exciting/scary/everything will be new and different

refinding normal

Not that normal exists, but I am seeking it.

I went to the school on a weekend for what I am sure must be the first time in six months. I am absolutely behind in marking and need to get cracking fast.

There is that feeling of being free to go (and not have to go to the hospital) but also the guilt that comes with it.

I got a good four  hours in then went to dad's for awhile to do dishes and laundry and pack up a couple garbage bags of 'easy choice' disposal....things like tons  of old margarine containers to recycle, or rehoming the magazines I would read and then pass on to her. The tougher cleaning will come, but not yet.

I got the grass cut and then took dad out to my sister's place. Her kids, the spouses and grands were home for the funeral. They spent yesterday putting in new engineered hardwood into her house. Today was re-roofing and shingling the house. It was badly in need about 5 years ago, and getting pretty dicey. This is the first roof my dad has NOT helped reshingle and it was a bit sad for him to realize that it just isn't in him anymore. He is 81. did his last roof 2 years ago for one of the grandsons.

It was good to see my boys up there with their cousins helping my sister get something off her to do list. She gave up so much time for mom during this journey, often  hours in the day and doing the overnight shift too. It was definitely time to give back.

I actually read in the past week. It has felt like my brain has been soggy or fuzzy the past months and I read the one book at the hospital but that was about it.

I read three books this past week and actually enjoyed the luxury of reading again. Not particularly high caliber literature but it still felt good to read.

Tonight it is the end of the hockey game and perhaps tonight I can sleep. Like really truly sleep. I miss that.

And so

Mom passed away last week. The funeral was yesterday.

She fought super hard but the melanoma just spread everywhere.

We had her for a week in the city getting radiation on her hip and tailbone. That relieved some pain but a CT scan there said she had dozens of cancer lesions in the brain.

After she came back to the hospital here she never quite bounced back. Some moments of lucidity and memory sharing. Other moments of incredible confusion and fear and tears. We went from a family meeting of several weeks to go to ....gone, three days later.

We sang her out with the guitar  and songs from our campfire.

The funeral planning shouldn't have been hard. Mom had spelled it all out quite clearly with me in Feb. But 2 of the sisters struggled and it became incredibly stressful as they tried to take over mom's wishes.

I made sure the service was exactly how she wanted it with enough of sister opinion to ease the waters. I think.

I went back to work today. Incredibly tired and SO far behind on marking, with only a few weeks of teaching to go.

My grief hasn't been profound now. That concerns me a little. Is the wall coming? Or were all those moments of tears and depression over the past 6 months my grief and now I am just going to have to try to 'get used' to her  not being here?

My time still isn't my own. Instead of long hospital vigils with mom, it has transferred to time spent at dad's cleaning and cooking and talking. His health isn't great so it may truly be just a matter of time before I do this again.

2018 has been exhausting.